Eggman Goes On Dr Phil
by Ninstation X
Summary: Chapter 4 up! See what the Scooby Doo gang is like when they're off the cameras. Eggman and the Scooby Doo gang get lost in a forest! Can they survive the horror?
1. Dr Phil

"We now return to Dr. Phil."

"Our first guest today is a fat and very, _**VERY**_ ugly, pregnant mother," said Dr. Phil.

-Eggman comes out-

Dr. Phil stared in fright. "Ahhh, It's Bigfoot! Run everybody, RUUUNNN!"

"I'm not Bigfoot!" Eggman yelled.

"So then you're the fat and very, **_VERY_** ugly, pregnant mother?" Dr. Phil said curiously.

"I'm not pregnant!" said Eggman.

"Then what's that under your chest?"

"That's my stomach."

"Whatever you say, Preggy...so...What's your name, is it Fatty?"

"No!" Eggman yelled angrily. "My name is Dr. Eggman. I'm the World's greatest scientist," Eggman said with pride.

"Maybe the World's fattest scientist," Dr. Phil mumbled. "So, Eggman, let's talk about your eating problem."

"Well..." -Eggman pulls out a sandwich and starts eating- "I spend most of my time eating eggs. I think it's because...because my father scrambled my eggs when I was little!!" Eggman started to cry.

"What?" Dr. Phil said confused.

"My father flipped my omelet."

"I don't understand."

"My father served me sunny side up."

Dr. Phil looked even more confused. "I don't understand all of these egg references, what are you trying to say!?"

"MY FATHER MOLESTED ME! Was it that hard to understand?"

"Yeah it was, Fatty...Now, lets talk more about your crappy life."

"Well..." -Eggman pulls out another sandwich and eats it- "I've been working on a new game called 'Grand Theft Chao.'"

"Really now?" said Dr. Phil. "Tell me more about this most likely crappy game."

"Well, the storyline is...you are a Hero Chao, and the Dark Chao have stolen your breakfast, so you have to go to reclaim your ham and egg breakfast by going into their turf and killing things like cute and fuzzy animals."

"Is this a violent game?" asked Dr. Phil.

"Yes, it is Dr. Phil, but what gave it away?"

"When you said 'killing things like cute and fuzzy animals.'"

"Oh," Eggman said surprised. "There will also be a 'Ghetto Chao Garden' feature, where you will have to pimp out your chao and teach it to talk street. If you don't feed your chao, then it will become angry and you will have to perform a drive-by to calm it down."

"It sounds like a very _urban_ game," said Dr. Phil.

"Yes, it is a very urban game. I got the idea for the game when I was eating at KFC last night."

"Why is everything you do associated with food?"

"Well, Dr. Phil, when I was little, I had no friends..."

"What a surprise," Dr. Phil said sarcastically. "...Anyway, continue."

"As I was saying...I had no friends, so I had to befriend the food in the house. Me and 'Hammy the Hamburger' and 'Betty the Bacon Strip' talked all the time...then I ate them."

"Wow...I...er...Wow...Okay, let's talk about your personal life, Eggy."

"Well.." -Eggman pulls out a hamburger and starts eating- "... I feel outnumbered. Every time I try to kill Sonic, he gets a new friend. I mean, how can I beat Sonic and his friends if they keep getting new members each game!"

"Maybe you should sick 'Betty the Bacon strip' on them," Dr. Phil said while snickering.

"I already told you, I ate them...Hey! Are you making fun of me!?"

"Of course not," Dr. Phil said sarcastically. "Well, your time is up, you may now pass on to the Oprah round."

"What?"

"I said, it's time to go to Oprah's Show, Fatty."

"But I'm scared." Eggman hugged his hamburger.

"You should be!" Dr. Phil yelled. "May God help you while you're in Oprah's domain! Remember to use the fat!"

"Don't you mean 'force,'" said Eggman.

"I am never wrong, Fatty!"

(Will Fatty...er...Eggman survive Oprah's show? Find out in the next chapter.)


	2. Oprah

"OH MY GOD, Girlfriend! We now return to Oprah!"

-Oprah walks onstage- "Hello everyone, Hello! We have a special guest today, but remember, HE'S NOT AS SPPPPEECCIALLL AS MEEEEEE!"

The audience claps.

-Eggman walks in-

Oprah looked amazed. "My, you are a fat one, aren't you?"

"I consider myself 'big-boned,'" said Eggman.

"Ha! Right, listen to me, Girlfriend! The only thing big-boned in here is MY WAAALLLET!"

The audience claps.

"That doesn't even make any sense," Eggman said annoyed.

"Shut up! Now let's talk about your poor lifestyle."

"I'm not poor, I'm middle class!" Eggman said angrily.

"Well, Girlfriend, it's considered poor to MEEEEEEE!"

The audience claps.

"Why does your audience keep clapping?"

The audience claps.

"Well, Girlfriend, it's because before the show, I gave them all BRAND NEW CAAAARRRRRRSSSS!"

"Why?" Eggman asked confused.

"Because I have so much money that I have to give it all to my audience!" Oprah said while throwing out bags of money to the audience.

"Then don't you feel like the only reason these people are coming to your show is for the free stuff?"

"Listen to me, you fat egg thing! These people come here because they love me, OKAY GIRLFRIEND!"

"I'm scared," Eggman said while eating a pizza.

"Shut up! Now tell me about your life," Oprah said with picking a diamond out of her nose.

"Well, I spend most of my time trying to kill a pesky hedgehog named Sonic, and..."

"Stop!" Oprah interrupted. "I'm going to give you YOUR OWN LINE OF VIDEOGAMES!"

"Really?" Eggman said with excitement. "I'm so happy!" -Eggman pulls out a giant ham and starts eating-

"That's right, Girlfriend, I'm going to give you 'Eggman Adventure,' 'Eggman Advance,' and your own movie called 'Fatass: the motion picture.'"

"Yay!" Eggman said in happiness.

The audience claps.

"Okay, Girlfriend, I heard you were working on a summer project."

"Why do you keep calling me girlfriend?" Eggman asked annoyed.

"Because I'm Oprah, and I can do whatever I want to, dammit! Now tell me about your got damn summer project!"

"...Okay...Well...I...Um."

"You know what, just shut up, and take this 1000 dollar bill!"

"Okay!" Eggman said ecstatically, taking the 1000 dollar bill.

-A woman from audience comes up-

"Oprah, can I have a crumb of bread or maybe a quarter, so I can feed me and my 4 children?" said the woman.

"Who the hell are you!?" said Oprah. "You know what, I'm going to sue you for everything you're worth! HA!"

The audience claps.

"Why are you people clapping? She's going to sue this poor woman," Eggman said in turmoil.

The audience claps.

"Well, Girlfriends, that's all the time we have for today, but do you know what?! After the show, I'M GIVING AWAY FREE ORPHANS!"

"Can I have some more money?" Eggman asked.

-Oprah explodes and money comes flying out everywhere-

"...Okay...I just wanted a few more bucks. She didn't need to go and explode."

-Guests of the Oprah Winfrey Show stayed in a beautiful dumpster behind Oprah's Mansion-

A/N: Credit for this chapter goes to Mad TV's portrayal of Oprah.

(Eggman has survived Oprah's talk show, but how will he do on the Lizzie McGuire Show? Find out next chapter.)


	3. Lizzie McGuire

"We totally return to Lizzie McGuire!"

"Miranda, I totally can't believe he dumped me! I'm so cute, and hello, did he see my new pair of shoes? They're totally great!"

"Well, Lizzie, I've just discovered that I hate you, bye." Miranda happily walked away.

"Oh noes! Miranda has left me!" screamed Lizzie. "Now I'll need a new best friend."

-Eggman walks over-

"Excuse me, stereotypical girl, have you seen any buffets around here?" asked Eggman.

Lizzie screamed with joy. "Yay! You'll be my new best friend!"

"I don't even know your name!"

"I'm Lizzie McGuire, silly."

"Whatever," said Eggman coldly.

"So, what's your name, egg-like creature?"

"My name is Dr. Eggman, I'm the World's.."

"Stop," Lizzie interrupted. "Eggman is such an icky name. I'll call you, Eggna."

"No, my name is Dr..."

"Who cares! Now we have to go make Miranda jealous or something. Grr... Sometimes she makes me so mad...I just want to...kill her!"

"I can help with that," Eggman happily replied.

"Not now! I'm too hungry to kill her now. Let's go get something to eat..."

"Then, afterward, we can kill her?"

"Sure," said Lizzie.

-So Eggman and Lizzie went to the Popcorn Shop-

Lizzie was deciding on what kind of popcorn to get.

"It's so hard to choose," Lizzie said as she pouted.

"I just want to go help you kill your friend! Hurry up," Eggman said angrily.

"I've got it!" Lizzie called the popcorn waiter over.

"What do you want?" the waiter asked.

"I didn't know there were _popcorn_ _waiters_," said Eggman.

"We'll take a large order of no salt, no butter, no cholesterol, and no taste popcorn," Lizzie said cheerfully.

The waiter brought the popcorn over.

Lizzie ate one kernel of popcorn and then said "I'm done."

Eggman looked shocked. "Why aren't you going to eat anymore?"

"Well, if I eat too much, then I'll actually gain some weight, and we can't let that happen, can we?"

Eggman sighed, "Then why did you get a _large_ order of popcorn if you knew you weren't going to eat it all?"

"Because it makes me feel important," Lizzie replied happily.

"...Okay. Now let's go kill Miranda!"

"Right after we go to my house to try on shoes!"

Eggman sighed. "I hate you."

"Who's u? Wow, someone actually named their child 'U'?"

"...Let's just go to your house, you stupid, stupid girl."

-And so Lizzie and Eggman went to Lizzie's house to try on shoes-

Lizzie came out with some red shoes. "How do I look in this, Eggna?"

"You look like Lizzie McGuire with red shoes," Eggman said dryly.

Lizzie came out with some blue shoes. "How do I look with these shoes, Eggna?"

"You look like Lizzie McGuire with blue shoes."

"Eggna, you don't know how to judge shoes!" Lizzie pouted.

"This is more annoying then trying to stop that stupid hedgehog from foiling my plans to take over the world!"

"I know what you mean," said Lizzie. "My little brother, Matt, foils my dates with dreamy boys all the time. Every time I get a good date, he ruins it." Lizzie sulked.

"...How does a failed attempt to take over the world compare to you and a bad date?!" Eggman retorted. "Can we go kill your stupid friend now, please?"

"Sure," said Lizzie. "Right after we go to the movies!"

Eggman started to bang his head against the wall. "Why is this happening to me?!" Eggman started crying.

-So Eggman and Lizzie go to the movies-

"Okay, Eggna, we're finally here! So we can see either 'Rainbows Dancing in the Sunshine' or 'Die Sonic Die!'"

"Let's see Die Sonic Die!" Eggman said with a happy expression on his face.

"I'd rather see Rainbows Dancing in the Sunshine," said Lizzie.

"Well, my IQ is higher then yours, so I get to pick the movie."

"What does ice cream have to do with this?" Lizzie said confused.

"...How did you get ice cream out of IQ?" Eggman said with confusion.

"Fine, we'll go see Die Sonic Die!" Lizzie said annoyed.

"Yay!" shouted the now happy Eggman.

-After the movie-

"That was a great movie!" Eggman said with enthusiasm. "I loved the part where Sonic found out that Barney was actually an undercover terrorist and the other part when Sonic found out that Tails was actually a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle."

"Eggna, that movie was horrible! There were no ponies or pretty girls with eating disorders in that movie," Lizzie pouted.

"Let's go kill Miranda to make you feel better," Eggman said with a grin.

"Okay...right after we go to the mall," Lizzie said with excitement.

"I seriously want to kill you," Eggman said coldly.

"Why are you talking about that U guy again?"

Eggman sighed deeply. "Let's get this over with."

-So Lizzie and Eggman go to the Mall and try on shoes, dresses, and pretty hats-

"That was so fun, right, Eggna?"

Eggman, now looking like he was about to have a nervous breakdown, said, "We are going to find and kill Miranda _NOW_!"

"She's right over there," Lizzie pointed to Miranda sitting at a table behind them.

"Okay, that was easy. Now let's go in for the kill!"

When Eggman was saying this, Lizzie had already went over to Miranda and was talking.

"Eh, what's this?" said Eggman, walking over to Lizzie and Miranda. "Lizzie, why are you talking to Miranda?"

"We're friends again! We just talked out our problems, so we don't have to kill her," Lizzie said cheerfully.

"...You mean I spent the whole day with you for no good reason?!" Eggman said with great frustration.

"Yeah! I'm so happy I could just sing a song."

"No!!" cried Eggman, "Please don't!! Please NOOOO!"

But it was too late, Lizzie had already started, "_Let the rain fall down, and wake my dreams. Let it wash away, my sanity_."

Eggman got into the Egg Walker (as seen in Sonic Adventure 2) and pointed the laser as Lizzie's forehead.

"Now sing one more verse, you blonde waste-of-space, and you'll be picking up your mouth from the floor," Eggman threatened.

Lizzie screamed, "You big meanie!" Lizzie looked at the clock. "Miranda, look at the time!! Hurry, we have to get to the Nail Salon before it closes!"

-And so Lizzie and Miranda ran to the Nail Salon and left Eggman behind-

"Well, I guess the day wasn't a total loss," Eggman pondered. "I mean, I found these great pair of shoes when I was shopping with Lizzie." Eggman shuddered. "I better go take some pills to help me forget about this day."

(And so Eggman survives his day on Lizzie McGuire. How will Eggman do on Scooby Doo? Find out next chapter!)


	4. Scooby Doo

"Like, we now return to Scooby Doo, man."

"Now let's see who's behind this mask," Velma said as she unmasked the villain. "Spongebob, just as I suspected. He was selling F.U.N. to minors."

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and that Disney Channel!" Spongebob screamed as he was being dragged away by the police.

"Well," said Velma, "looks like we've solved another mystery, gang!"

"Reah," said Scooby. "Scooby Dooby Doo!"

Everyone laughs.

"Cut!" The director yelled. "Okay, we're done. See you tomorrow, guys."

"Where's my cigarettes!" Velma breathed hard. "Well, at least we're finally done with this crappy episode. I'm too good for this!"

"Ha!" Daphne snorted. "I'm the pretty one. I'm the one who shouldn't be on a show where I have to solve mysteries with a mentally-challenged dog, an ugly nerd who probably eats children, a perverted steroid-popping man with an orange napkin in his shirt, and a stick man who constantly smokes pot during every commercial break!"

"Hey man," Shaggy said slowly. "I told you I only smoke pot for medical purposes," Shaggy said as he fainted.

Fred butted in. "And I only molested 10 children. That hardly qualifies me as a pervert! Oh, and you're one to talk, Daphne," Fred said smugly. "Remember the girl Scout incident?"

-Flashback-

A Girl Scout knocks on Daphne's door. Daphne opens the Door.

"What the hell do you want?" asked Daphne.

"I'm selling Girl Scout Cookies," the little girl replied happily.

"So what! You think you're better than me now!?"

"No, Miss, I just wanted to sell you..."

Daphne interrupted, "Why do I have to be a 'Miss,' can't I be a Mrs.!?"

The little Girl looked frightened. "I didn't mean it that way..."

Daphne interrupted again, "What do you mean, 'mean?' Are you calling me bi-polar!?"

"No, I...I..." The little girl started crying. "I just wanted you to buy some cookies so I can earn some money for the orphanage."

"Whatever," Daphne said as she got out her purse. "I'll take a box of Chocolate Mint Cookies"

"Um...I don't have any of those," the girl said nervously.

"What?" Daphne yelled. "Do you know how pretty I am? You're holding out on me, aren't you!?"

"I can go get some more," the little girl said while slowly stepping back.

"No! You'll just try to escape! Give me the cookies!" Daphne said while shaking the little girl.

-End Flashback-

"You know what," said Fred, "let's take our minds off all of this by going to Pizza Hut."

-Eggman dashes out-

"Did someone say Pizza Hut!" Eggman said enthusiastically. "Let's Go!"

-So Eggman, Scooby Doo and the other people that nobody cares about got into the Mystery Machine and started driving to Pizza Hut-

While driving down the road, the road suddenly turned green.

"This road looks really scary, Fred," Daphne said in fear.

"Shut up, Daphne!" Fred screamed. "I'm the man, and I know where we're going. If you got a problem with that, then I'll beat up your Grandma again."

"That ascot makes you look like a white Donkey Kong, Fred," Daphne snickered.

"Why don't you bite me, Daphne?" Fred Replied.

"Well then, why don't you bite a banana, Caucasian Kong."

Eggman listened in amazement. "Do they always fight like this?" he said to Shaggy.

"I don't know," Shaggy said slowly. "I was always too busy smoking pot to notice," Shaggy said as he started staring at his hand.

"...Okay," said Eggman. "I'm going to go talk to a more intelligent person."

Eggman moves over to Scooby Doo.

"...So...um...how are you doing, talking dog?" Eggman asked.

"Ri'm rinda rungry," said Scooby.

Eggman looked confused, "What?"

"Ri'm rungry."

"Huh?" Eggman said even more confused.

"Ri raid, ri'm rungry!"

"What are you saying?"

Scooby sighed. "Ri Roing Ro Rill Rou."

"Oh, I understand now," said Eggman. "You must be one of those 'special' dogs."

"Ri ron't rike rou."

Daphne suddenly screamed, "Fred, look out for the...!!"

The Mystery Machine crashed.

"Tree," Daphne said with little enthusiasm.

Velma got out of the Mystery Machine. "Where are we, and where are my cigarettes!?"

"Sorry, man," Shaggy said as he crawled out of the Mystery Machine. "I ran out of sugar for my cereal, so I used the ash from your cigarettes."

"...Okay," Velma said surprised.

"Great driving, Fred," Daphne commented.

"Thanks, Daphne...Hey, wait! That was sarcasm, wasn't it?!" Fred said confused.

Daphne shook her head.

"Zoinks! A ghost!!" Shaggy pointed at the road.

"Ahh, a ghost!" Eggman yelled in fear. "Wait a minute. Did you just say Zoinks?"

The ghost came closer to the group.

"Boo, I'm a scary ghost and stuff!" said the ghost.

Eggman stared, "Yeah, and...?"

"And I'm going to scare you or something," the ghost said unenthusiastically.

Eggman continued to stare. "You lack showmanship, and I have yet to wet myself from fear."

"Whatever man, I'm just here to tell you that you'll never make it out of this forest alive, and to tell you, you can save money on car insurance by switching to Geico," the ghost said then disappeared.

"Scary," said Daphne.

"The ghost?" Fred asked.

"No, how that dog can talk," Daphne answered.

"...okay," said Fred. "Well, gang, we're all lost in a creepy forest, our car is busted, we have no food or water, and I have to pee...so let's split up, gang!"

"What a great idea," Eggman said sarcastically. "Why exactly are you the leader?"

"Because of my steroid problem," Fred Replied.

"That's a GREAT reason to be leader," Eggman said with more sarcasm.

Fred suddenly falls into a trap door.

"Fred!!" Daphne cried. "You still owe me moneeeeeeey!!!"

The trap door closes.

"Wow," said Eggman. "There's a plot twist. I didn't even know there were trap doors in forests."

"Well," said Shaggy. "Who wants some pot?"

"Do you ever think of anything other than pot, Shaggy?" Velma asked.

"I'm gonna need to smoke some more pot to answer that question."

Velma shook her head. "Well, let's split up, gang! Me and Daphne will go one way, and Eggman and Scooby will go the other way."

"What about Shaggy?" Eggman asked Velma.

"Just leave him."

"Okay," Eggman replied happily.

So the gang split up and left shaggy behind.

Velma and Daphne's POV

"Velma," Daphne whined, "I'm too pretty to walk. Why don't you carry me?"

Velma stared. "Why don't you shut the.."

A cliff suddenly appeared, and Daphne and Velma conveniently fall down it.

Eggman and Scooby's POV

Eggman suddenly shudders. "That's weird. I feel as though another stupid plot twist has just occurred...oh well."

"I'm hungry, and I've also decided to talk normally," said Scooby. "I'm so hungry. This reminds me of when I ate the real shaggy and replaced him with a hobo who likes to smoke pot...I'll have the kill you now, Eggman, because now you know my secret."

"Huh, what'd you say?" Eggman was eating a sandwich. "I wasn't listening."

"I said, I'm going to kill you, because you now know my secret about me eating the real shaggy!"

Eggman was eating another sandwich. "Huh, what'd ya say again?"

Scooby groaned. "I'm going to kill you, because now you know about me eating shaggy!"

"Well, I didn't know until just now. Why did you keep repeating it? Are you _really_ stupid or something?"

"That's it, Egg! It's time to battle!" Scooby yelled. "Pokeball GO!" -Pikachu comes out-

"...Okay, I chose Shadow the Hedgehog! GO Pokeball!" Eggman yelled. -Shadow comes out- "Shadow, use your G-rated gun attack!"

Shadow uses the G-rated gun attack. Pikachu is hit and falls...nonviolently.

"Nooooooo!" Scooby yelled. "I'll get you, Eggman!" Scooby gets out a light saber.

"What?!" the producer yelled.

-Somewhere in Hollywood-

"Wait a minute," said the producer. "So, how did Scooby get a pokemon and then suddenly pull out a light saber?"

"Um," Eggman pondered, "through his magical powers or something?"

"This story makes no sense at all! And exactly how does a cliff _suddenly_ appear!" The producer yelled. "When you said you had an All-Star script for a new Scooby Doo movie, I didn't expect this crap!"

"It's better than Scooby Doo 2."

The Producer sighed. "When can I expect the movie to be done?"

"Huzzah!" Eggman yelled.

-Commercial-

In a world of evil.

"Zoinks! Scooby, what are you doing?!"

One egg will rise up to stop a horrible and hungry villain.

"I've eaten, Shaggy, and I'll eat you, too!" Scooby yelled.

and his plot to eat the World.

"I'll eat the World and Scrappy Doo, too!! HAHAHAHA!"

Everyone is dying around him.

"Ah, I'm suddenly falling down a cliff!" Daphne yelled.

Also, to make the story more interesting, let's say aliens are attacking or something.

Eggman stars in "Scooby Doo 3: I Know What You Ate Last Summer."

And this time, it's Jinkies.

Coming to a dumpster near you!


End file.
